LUKE: Youre up early.

JESS: I got a few errands to run.

LUKE: You got time before school?

JESS: I got wheels.

LUKE: Right, right, you got wheels. [Jess takes a donut from the display] Lid.

JESS: By the way, I owe you ten bucks.

LUKE: When did I loan you ten bucks?

JESS: Last night.

LUKE: I wasnt here last night.

JESS: Youre always here, Uncle Luke in my heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GYPSY: What can I do for you?

LUKE: Uh, well, uh, Jess came home with this car and it says on the slip that he bought it from you.

GYPSY: Yup, its working great, if thats what youre wondering.

LUKE: No, I know that, its just, uh. . . he paid you for it, right?

GYPSY: Nothings free at Gypsys.

LUKE: And he paid cash?

GYPSY: Mostly twenties.

LUKE: Did you make sure Andrew Jackson was on the bills, not Alfred E. Newman or someone?

GYPSY: Looked real to me.

LUKE: Well, when he took the money out of wherever he had it, did a mask or a gun fall out?

GYPSY: No, but he was carrying it in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign on it.

LUKE: Really?

GYPSY: No.

LUKE: Good.

GYPSY: Guys are stupid.

LUKE: What?

GYPSY: You strip your gears, you ride your breaks, and if we dont laugh after we make a joke, you think were serious.

JACKSON: I dont ride my brakes!

LUKE: I just want to make sure it was on the up and up.

GYPSY: Hey, when people come in with cash, I dont ask where it comes from, do you?

LUKE: Nah, I guess I dont. Thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TAYLOR: This is outrageous. The town unanimously refused to let that loner freak protest in the square. Why would the two of you consider allowing him to do it from the steps of your church?

REVEREND: The town didnt refuse him, Taylor you did.

TAYLOR: So youre spearheading this revolt, Reverend?

RABBI: Reverend Skinner and I share the church for services, Taylor, so if theres gonna be a protest, itll be a joint decision. Ugh, I cant even look at this mayonnaise.

REVEREND: I got it, David. [moves the mayonnaise bottle]

RABBI: Thanks, Archie.

TAYLOR: I could still ban it. I could get the town council together, find something on the books. Im sure theres a way.

REVEREND: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.

RABBI: We answer to a higher authority. . . like the hot dog.

REVEREND: I laugh every time you say that.

RABBI: I know. Funny is funny.

TAYLOR: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.

REVEREND: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.

RABBI: Thirty years Im working for God, I havent received so much as a card.

REVEREND: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?

RABBI: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?

TAYLOR: Rabbi, please.

REVEREND: Whats he like? For us common folk whove never met him?

RABBI: Is he short, is he tall?

REVEREND: Does he like to laugh?

RABBI: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials. . .

REVEREND: They look good, huh?

RABBI: Oh, with the melted butter? Oh my God.

TAYLOR: Can we stay serious for a minute here?

REVEREND: Youre too uptight, Taylor.

RABBI: And no matter how much steam blows out of your ears, our decision will be final.

TAYLOR: So its hardball, huh? Well, the council gave you special permission to run bingo out of that building. We could withdraw it.

RABBI: At your peril.

TAYLOR: Meaning?

RABBI: Youre gonna tell my little old ladies, my bubbies, youre shutting down their bingo?

TAYLOR: Im not afraid of your bubbies, Rabbi.

REVEREND: Oh, God, thank you for letting me be in the room when Taylor said that.

TAYLOR: Well, gentlemen, I would sincerely like to thank you for wasting my time.

REVEREND: Our pleasure, Taylor.

TAYLOR: I cant believe that you, Reverend Skinner, of all people, would do this to me after all the support Ive given you over the years.

REVEREND: All the support? Taylor, youre a Sunday Protestant. You come in, you say Hi God, you sing a song, and you leave.

TAYLOR: I always leave a dollar!

REVEREND: For your singing voice, you should leave two.

TAYLOR: Well, fine, if you feel like that, maybe I will just stop showing up altogether. Maybe Ill convert to something else and give them my generous weekly donation.

REVEREND: Do you want him?

RABBI: Not after the whole bubbies thing.

REVEREND: Maybe the Shakers in Woodbury would take him.

RABBI: Yeah, hes already got the beard. Can you make furniture, Taylor?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LANE: Do you know whose it is?

RORY: Yup.

LANE: Whose?

RORY: Jess.

LANE: Jess? Jess, the guy who wrecked your car? Hes got a car now?

RORY: Mmhmm, looks that way.

LANE: Thats outrageous! Thats a travesty!

RORY: Its not that big a deal.

LANE: Oh, its a humongous deal.

RORY: Youre taking this very hard.

LANE: Because were best friends, Rory. Were linked. I feel what you feel. Except for right now because you dont seem to be feeling anything and Im incensed.

RORY: Its just a car. Its nothing to get excited about.

[Jess walks over]

JESS: Hey.

RORY: Hey.

JESS: Hey Lane.

LANE: Hey back at ya, tough guy.

JESS: What?

RORY: Lane. . .

JESS: Something wrong?

RORY: No. . .

LANE: Yes! You have a car.

JESS: I know.

LANE: Dont give me lip!

JESS: Lip?

RORY: Lane. . .

LANE: Howd you get the car, Jess?

JESS: I bought it.

LANE: Really, I thought you mightve built it from parts left over from cars youve totaled.

JESS: What is your problem?

LANE: Dont play dumb. You know what you did.

JESS: I gotta go.

LANE: Yes, drive on away, well just keep walking. Thats all Rorys been able to do these past few months lots of walking. Shes got bunions because of you, mister!

JESS: Bunions?

RORY: I dont have bunions.

LANE: Shes too nice to complain about her foot ailments.

JESS: Knock if off, Lane.

RORY: Just get in the car and go, Jess.

JESS: I didnt start this.

LANE: Well, you started it when you wrecked Rorys car.

JESS: Tell your friend to walk it off.

RORY: You walk it off.

JESS: Im trying to drive off.

RORY: Then go.

JESS: Geez, how Andy Griffith is this town that people get so excited by a car?

RORY: Its not the car, its whos got the car.

JESS: Okay, fine, you want it? Take it, Im sick of this.

RORY: I dont want this piece of junk.

JESS: Right. I suppose Dean is already building you another car, something really snazzy.

RORY: Shut up and go.

JESS: Gladly.

RORY: Lets go.

LANE: Gladly.

RORY: [to Jess] Oh, and by the way, you left your bra in the back seat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RORY: Are you okay?

LORELAI: Ive been better.

RORY: You rearranged her medicine cabinet?

LORELAI: Yes, and its going to rock her world.

RORY: Are you having a meltdown?

LORELAI: Pretty much.

RORY: From something that Sherry said?

LORELAI: From everything Sherry said.

RORY: About my visiting her?

LORELAI: Okay, sure, well start there. As if youre gonna have all this free time to pal around with her. Youll be in classes, does she know that?

RORY: She was just asking.

LORELAI: And what are you doing agreeing to come over here all the time?

RORY: I was just being polite.

LORELAI: By agreeing to be here every weekend youre not with me?

RORY: I did not agree to that.

LORELAI: Well, youre spending all your weekends with me. Thats a given. And she. . .she had to have a girl. That kills me!

RORY: That her babys a girl?

LORELAI: Yes, because I have a girl. Shes just a copycat.

RORY: She cant control the sex of her baby.

LORELAI: Oh, really? Little Miss "Mani-pedi-Ill-give-birth-before-five-oclock"? Uh, I think she can.

RORY: Mom. . .

LORELAI: "All I wants a ballerina." Poor things gonna pop out of her womb and land in a tutu.

RORY: Boy, I hope not.

LORELAI: And what is with that name G.G.?

RORY: Its a cute name.

LORELAI: It is, cause shes copying me there, too. Rory, G.G. Rory, G.G. Theyre identical.

RORY: They are not identical.

LORELAI: Two syllables, repeating consonants. Rory. . . .G.G.

RORY: Oprah, Uma.

LORELAI: Dont mock.

RORY: Im just trying to joke you down off that ledge.

LORELAI: And that music, God, that music!

RORY: Yeah, Im with you on that. The musics driving me crazy, too.

LORELAI: I mean, theyve been playing the same nondescript, soft, generic jazz for two straight hours. And who is that playing that stupid saxophone like that?

RORY: Its music you eat brunch to.

LORELAI: Thank you for finally being on my side for something.

RORY: Mom, Im always on your side.

LORELAI: Oh, she probably makes Christopher listen to that garbage. And and and then theres the whole thing of rearranging his CDs. I mean, to her theyre just identical little metal discs full of annoying sounds that you alphabetize like files in an office.

RORY: Im with you on that, but youve got to calm down.

LORELAI: I just wanna rearrange her whole house.

RORY: You cant do that.

LORELAI: Please? Let me just mess up her bed. You make a distraction, like setting a fire, and Ill run up and un-color-coordinate her sheets.

RORY: I think the fire would be the thing that shed remember.

LORELAI: I couldve been shopping. I couldve been out buying shoes Ill never wear. And all that stuff about me and thanking me and . . .

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Nothing. I know youre always on my side.

RORY: Its okay.

LORELAI: Im sorry.

RORY: Its okay. We should probably get back.

LORELAI: Yeah, probably. Im gonna take one of Maureens little poppers and pop her right up her -

RORY: Mom. . .

LORELAI: Okay, lets go. [Rory opens the door to leave, then Lorelai closes it] Uh, just. . .greens the new pink?

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: Come on.

RORY: Its stupid.

LORELAI: Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: Why are you going through my stuff?

LUKE: Huh?

JESS: Why are you going through all my stuff?

LUKE: Im not.

JESS: So someone else is?

LUKE: Im not going through your stuff.

JESS: You suck at lying.

LUKE: Youre paranoid.

JESS: Fine, Im being paranoid, but that doesnt mean youre not going through my stuff.

LUKE: Get the forks.

JESS: Practically everything I own is in a slightly different place than when I saw it last. Now why are you going through my stuff?

LUKE: For your own good.

JESS: My own good? Can we be a little more Totalitarian here?

LUKE: Hey, how bout I ask a question, Jess?

JESS: If it has to do with this, be my guest.

LUKE: Whered you get the money for the car?

JESS: What?

LUKE: The car. Whered you get the money?

JESS: I told you, I worked for it.

LUKE: I know what I pay you.

JESS: Okay, well, I do jobs around town.

LUKE: What jobs?

JESS: I clean rain gutters.

LUKE: Jess, if you cleaned every rain gutter from here to Vermont, you wouldnt have enough money to buy that car. Now tell me where you got the money.

JESS: Im not just doing rain gutters when Im not working at the diner.

LUKE: What are you doing?

JESS: I go to a. . .a place that gives me money.

LUKE: For what?

JESS: For my services.

LUKE: What services? What place? [pause] Jess, are you a gigolo?

JESS: What?

LUKE: Well, I dont know. You say you go to a place where they give you money. . .

JESS: I do.

LUKE: Where?

JESS: Wal-Mart.

LUKE: Excuse me?

JESS: Ive been working there twelve hours a week for the past few months to get extra money for the car.

LUKE: Wal-Mart.

JESS: Yeah.

LUKE: You work at Wal-Mart?

JESS: Yeah.

LUKE: I cannot picture you working at Wal-Mart.

[Jess pulls a card out of his pocket and shows it to Luke]

LUKE: Oh my God, you work at Wal-Mart.

JESS: Lets drop this now.

LUKE: Yeah, sure, fine. Youre not the guy that greets people at the door, are you?

JESS: We were dropping this.

LUKE: Come on.

JESS: I work in the back. I move stock around on a forklift.

LUKE: That takes a special license, doesnt it?

JESS: I spent a Saturday afternoon taking the class and I got it like that, no biggie.

LUKE: Wow.

JESS: We done here?

LUKE: Yeah. You wear a vest and everything?

JESS: Its the uniform, I have to.

LUKE: Youve been sneaking out of here with a little vest hidden on you?

JESS: Its not a little vest.

LUKE: Is it blue?

JESS: Will you stop talking about the vest?

LUKE: Do you get a store discount?

JESS: Fifteen percent. And if you want fifteen percent off anything, youre not gonna get it cause youre being a jerk.

LUKE: My enjoyment is worth the loss.

JESS: Im eating and ignoring you.

LUKE: Ah, youre like the all-American boy.

JESS: Call me Dirk Squarejaw.

LUKE: Look at you.

JESS: What?

LUKE: Eating apple pie.

JESS: Im outta here.

LUKE: Hey, wave a flag and sing "God Bless America", please?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RORY: Shes very up on traffic flow and rush hour and all that.

LORELAI: Shes Rand McNally.

RORY: She should do traffic reports on the radio.

LORELAI: "Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like theres a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now its just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys."

RORY: Youre awful.

LORELAI: "Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, cause blues the new red."

RORY: I like that youre feeling better.

LORELAI: Im not feeling better. Im still. . .grrr! That medicine cabinet was not enough.

RORY: Mom.

LORELAI: It was tame, and any one of those drunken yuppies could have messed it up.

RORY: They wouldnt dare. Plus, when I went back in there, I cleaned it up.

LORELAI: Rory!

RORY: Let it go.

LORELAI: That was my catharsis.

RORY: Let it go.

LORELAI: No, that woman does something to me.

RORY: Youve got to live and let live.

LORELAI: And bringing up Christopher like that. . .she must know what shes doing.

RORY: Im not sure she did.

LORELAI: I almost wish she was doing all this on purpose. I would respect her more.

RORY: I just hope Dads happy.

LORELAI: Happy? With Sherry and G.G., the five oclock ballerina? No way. And to think that I sent him back to her a new man? Man!

RORY: Stop the car.

LORELAI: [stops the car] What? Why?

RORY: You want catharsis?

LORELAI: Yes.

RORY: I know whatll do it for you.

LORELAI: What?

RORY: Jess car.

LORELAI: What?

RORY: We egg Jess car. Its perfect.

LORELAI: Are you serious?

RORY: No ones around, and its just sitting there.

LORELAI: Rory, if rearranging Sherrys medicine cabinet is immature, whats this?

RORY: Off the chart.

LORELAI: We cant egg his car.

RORY: Sure we can.

LORELAI: Dooses is closed and we dont have any eggs at home.

[Rory holds up the container of deviled eggs]

LORELAI: You want to devil-egg Jess car? And how is that gonna make me feel better about Sherry?

RORY: Because its active! Its aggressive! Its destructive, but not too destructive! I dont know. . .can you make something up?

LORELAI: Lets do it.

RORY: Leave the engine running.

LORELAI: Good thinking.

[they get out of the car with the container and walk over to Jess car]

LORELAI: You first.

[Rory takes a deviled egg and throws is at Jess car]

LORELAI: Wow, nice.

RORY: It made a good sound, too.

LORELAI: Howd it feel?

RORY: Fantastic.

[Lorelai throws an egg at the car]

LORELAI: Youre right, thats good.

RORY: Fun, huh?

LORELAI: I dont think theres been a better use of deviled eggs in culinary history.

[They each throw several more eggs until they run out]

LORELAI: Thats it?

RORY: All out.

LORELAI: Damn that Sherry for not sending more home with us!

RORY: Dont lose your catharsis.

LORELAI: Right, sorry. Wait. . .

RORY: What?

LORELAI: Is that a siren?

RORY: I dont hear anything.

LORELAI: Neither do I. It just seemed a cool thing to say at that moment.

RORY: It was.

LORELAI: Hey, lets run back and speed off like we did something really awful and the cops are after us!

RORY: Run!

[they run toward the car]

LORELAI: Be prepared cause I am gonna squeal out of here!

RORY: Go!

[they get into the car and shut the doors. Lorelai guns the engine, but the car doesnt squeal]

RORY: Try again, try again.

[Lorelai tries it again, but it doesnt squeal]

RORY: Well just make the noise ourselves.

LORELAI: Good deal.

[As they pull away, both of them make squealing noises]

BOTH: Eeeeeeeeeee!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: [calls to Luke] Luke! [Luke walks over to him] Did you see this?

LUKE: See what? What happened?

JESS: Someone egged my car.

LUKE: Geez, it stinks.

JESS: Its gonna take me forever to clean this up.

LUKE: These eggs are cooked.

JESS: What?

LUKE: Theyre not raw eggs. They look like. . . deviled eggs.

JESS: Someone devil-egged my car?

LUKE: Well, that is paprika.

JESS: Someone prepared deviled eggs to throw at my car?

LUKE: Man, they must hate you a lot. Hey, maybe it was the guy in the garden department.

JESS: Im gonna go get something to clean this up.

LUKE: Or maybe it was the assistant night manager. You guys have words in the snack room?