LORELAI: The Wizard of Oz.

RORY: The Sting.

LORELAI: Rocky.

RORY: Crimes and Misdemeanors.

LORELAI: The Singing Detective.

RORY: That was a miniseries.

LORELAI: So?

RORY: So its like six hours long.

LORELAI: Good point. Ooh, I got it! Arthur.

RORY: Yes!

LORELAI: Or Sophies Choice.

RORY: Very similar.

LORELAI: Oh man, I cant choose, theres too many great movies. The burden is overwhelming. Im sinking under the pressure. My grasp on reality is slipping. I cant do it, I cant hold on, I just cant, I just. . .ooh, hey, how about Cabin Boy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: Lane. . .Lane.

LANE: Sh.

JESS: I need a pencil.

LANE: I dont have one.

JESS: Then I need a pen.

LANE: You only have fifteen minutes left.

JESS: Then I need the answers.

LANE: Theres a pen in my bag.

JESS: I cant go through your bag.

LANE: Yes, you can.

JESS: My mother told me never go through a ladys bag. . .at least, not until youre a couple blocks away. Im just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesnt it?

LANE: Take it and shut up. [hands him a pen]

JESS: Well, I tell you, its true small towns sure are friendly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUKE: Yeah, I got a call you wanted to see me. Im, uh, Luke Danes Jess Marianos uncle.

PRINCIPAL: Jess Mariano. Ah yes, come in.

LUKE: Thanks. So is everything okay? I didnt see any cop cars or fire trucks out front so. . .

PRINCIPAL: Mr. Danes, please have a seat.

LUKE: A seat? So this is a seat thing. Okay, whats he done?

PRINCIPAL: Why do you assume hes done something?

LUKE: Oh, I dont know. Youre staring at a folder thats looking a little thick there. I get a call to come right over here and talk to you, so why dont you just tell me what hes done?

PRINCIPAL: Nothing.

LUKE: Nothing?

PRINCIPAL: No homework, no class participation, his attendance record is erratic at best. His attitude towards his teachers, it ranges from indifferent to hostile. He shows no interest in school activities or other students, and there is the issue of the disappearing baseballs.

LUKE: The what?

PRINCIPAL: Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared.

LUKE: Oh, come on, you dont think Jess seriously. . . Ill check when I get home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LORELAI: The list of titles? Im sorry, cant we just pick our own movie?

TAYLOR: Youre not serious?

LORELAI: Not often, but just there yeah, I had some serious going.

TAYLOR: My dear girl, movies are expensive and we get fabulous deals with this particular place. They have a wide selection and theyre very friendly and since it all goes to charity, they agree to give us anything on that list for free.

LORELAI: So we have to pick a movie off this list?

TAYLOR: Oh, its fun. They put the movie title over here and a brief description of the storyline over here and believe me, there are some excellent movies on that list. Really, top notch.

LORELAI: Arctic Flight man with plane flies charter to Alaska, hired by bear hunter who turns out to be Russian spy, love story develops with pilot and school teachers, Eskimos do tribal dance. You made this up.

TAYLOR: Dont I wish. Okay, well, I cant wait to see what you come up with. Bye girls.

LORELAI: Bye.

RORY: Killer Shark.

LORELAI: Oh.

RORY: Shark fisherman on ocean, Mexican cantina with tequila and Mariachi music, has good scene of catching and cleaning shark.

LORELAI: Where Are Your Children? Hip music and singing about kids getting into trouble, sneaking booze into clubs, stealing car, fight between girls, romance starts then guy goes in the Navy.

RORY: Huh. Sudden Danger mom dies of gas asphyxiation, son blamed, good kiss scene.

LORELAI: Suspense ice skater falls in love with hired help. Well, at least now I know how Snow Dogs got made.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUKE: Oh, good, youre here. So, you file those under the band names?

JESS: Genre.

LUKE: Right, genre, that makes sense, makes a lot of sense. Oh, what is that? Something for school?

JESS: Nope.

LUKE: Oh, well, shouldnt you be reading something for school?

JESS: Why?

LUKE: I dont know. I mean, I know you like reading and since you like reading, you might as well read something youre gonna get graded on so you can get graded on something you like because you like reading.

JESS: What are you babbling about?

LUKE: I went to see your principal today.

JESS: Huh.

LUKE: He says youre flunking out. He says youre not showing up for class. He says you stole their baseballs. You stole their baseballs? Why would you do that? What could you possibly need five hundred baseballs for?

JESS: Can we talk about this later?

LUKE: Why, you got a big Frisbee heist going down at six? Jess, Mr. Mertin said if you dont start doing better, theyre not gonna let you be a senior.

JESS: Bummer.

LUKE: Theyre gonna hold you back.

JESS: Well, at least Ill know where my classes are.

LUKE: Jess, this is serious. Youre flunking out. Youre looking at being in the eleventh grade for the rest of your life. Youre gonna be the kid in the back of the room with a beard and a racing form babbling incoherently about Steely Dan.

JESS: Steely Dan?

LUKE: The group may change, the freak in the back never does.

JESS: Im going out.

LUKE: Dont you wanna go to college?

JESS: Dont wait up.

LUKE: What do you wanna be when you grow up?

JESS: About twenty miles south of wherever you are.

LUKE: You have to think about the future. If you dont get through high school, whos gonna hire you? Youre not gonna have any skills.

JESS: Stop.

LUKE: How you gonna work, huh? How you gonna eat? How you gonna pay rent? What are you gonna do, Jess?

JESS: Geez, I dont know, maybe Ill work in a diner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LUKE: So I see youre studying.

RORY: Yup.

LUKE: Thats good. Studying is very, very good. What youre doing right there with the books, very good.

RORY: Thank you.

LUKE: Okay, look, I wanted to ask you a favor. Oh. Uh. I was wondering if you could tutor Jess.

RORY: What?

LUKE: Hes not doing too well in school. The principal said hes not gonna let him move on unless something changes. I was wondering if you could help.

RORY: That doesnt make any sense, hes smart enough to pass any subject.

LUKE: I dont think its his lack of smarts, more like his lack of proximity to the actual classes thats the problem.

RORY: Ah.

LUKE: Yes.

RORY: Okay, what subject does he need help in?

LUKE: Id say all of them, probably.

RORY: Huh.

LUKE: Look, I dont expect you to work miracles and it doesnt have to be a full time everyday thing. If you could just get him through a couple of his next tests, maybe make the school see that he can do it, that would probably help out a lot.

RORY: Sure.

LUKE: Great, tonight?

RORY: Tonight.

LUKE: I really appreciate this. Ah, okay, you should get back to your studying, otherwise youre completely useless to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: Hey Teach.

RORY: Hey.

JESS: You guys done yet?

LORELAI: Just not yet.

JESS: Okay, well, Ill be right over there when you are. I just cant wait for that learning to begin. Hey, are we gonna do some of those Schoolhouse Rocks songs?

RORY: Ill be right there, Jess.

JESS: Cause they say if you just make learning fun. . .

LORELAI: Give us a minute, okay?

JESS: Well, hurry a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RORY: So, are you ready to start?

JESS: Yes, I am.

RORY: Where are your books?

JESS: Huh, I dont know.

RORY: How are we gonna study without your books?

JESS: I guess we cant. Too bad. So, what now movie?

RORY: Get your books.

JESS: The cat ate em.

RORY: Get your books or Im going home.

JESS: Wait there. [does magic trick]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RORY: Explain to me the political ramifications of the Marshall Plan.

JESS: Pick a card. [Rory throws the whole deck on the floor] Huh, well, that just made the trick a little bit harder.

RORY: Jess, focus.

JESS: Wheres Dean tonight?

RORY: We just went over this. Theres no way you already forgot it.

JESS: Work?

RORY: I will make you write it out fifty times on the specials board if thats what it takes.

JESS: Cause if hes not at work, he must be free, so he doesnt care that youre here?

RORY: No, he doesnt. Hes visiting his grandmother.

JESS: Where?

RORY: Chicago.

JESS: So he doesnt know.

RORY: It wouldnt matter.

JESS: So youll tell him when he gets back?

RORY: Were studying.

JESS: Youre studying, Im prying into your personal life.

RORY: Jess, why wont you at least try to remember the Marshall Plan?

JESS: Have you ever read "Please Kill Me"?

RORY: No.

JESS: Oral history of the punk movement. Youd like it you can borrow it if you want.

RORY: Im here to help you study. Now, if you want me to go, Ill go, but if Im going to stay, then you will stop distracting me and start paying attention, understand?

JESS: I understand.

RORY: Good. And yes, I would like to borrow it, thank you very much. Now open your book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: Done.

RORY: This isnt Shakespeare.

JESS: Its not?

RORY: Its the words to a Clash song.

JESS: Ah, now, but which Clash song?

RORY: Hey, Im not the one being tested right now.

JESS: Ten seconds.

RORY: Jess.

JESS: Nine, eight, seven.

RORY: Stop it.

JESS: Six, five, four.

RORY: You know youre really starting to. . .

JESS: Three.

RORY: Ooh, ooh, Guns of Brixton!

JESS: A plus.

RORY: Why would you even agree to this studying thing in the first place?

JESS: Because Luke said I had to.

RORY: Youve never done anything because someone said you had to.

JESS: I moved here because someone said I had to.

RORY: Very different.

JESS: Yeah, well. . .hey, do you wanna get outta here?

RORY: What?

JESS: Im sick of studying.

RORY: How can you be sick of studying? You havent done any studying. Youve done card tricks, youve made coffee, youve tried to explain to me how on earth Coldplay could be considered an alternative band, but as of yet, no studying.

JESS: Thats your car?

RORY: Yes, it is.

JESS: Okay, tell you what. Lets go get some ice cream, and then when we get back, Ill study.

RORY: This is a diner, theres ice cream here.

JESS: Yes, but we dont have any cones.

RORY: Cones?

JESS: I need cones.

RORY: Well, so, if we go get ice cream. . .

JESS: In cones.

RORY: Then you will be a perfect student for the rest of the night?

JESS: Thats right.

RORY: I could not believe you less. Here, you drive, Ill read you Othello. Wont that be fun?

JESS: You have no idea how much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: Admit it, its always better in a cone.

RORY: Its always better in a cone.

JESS: Putting ice cream in a dish, eating it with a spoon?

RORY: What is wrong with people?

JESS: Hold the wheel.

RORY: What?

JESS: Im dripping here, hold the wheel.

RORY: I cant hold the wheel, youre driving. The person whos driving has to hold the wheel. Thats the first thing they teach you in drivers ed.

JESS: Huh, I gotta take that class one of those days. Take the wheel.

RORY: Jess.

JESS: Im letting go.

RORY: Stop! Take it back. Okay, you are taking this wheel back and when you do, Im going to kill you. Im just letting you know that.

JESS: I appreciate the warning.

RORY: Jess!

JESS: Okay, I got it. Geez, you look pale. Are you okay?

RORY: Death, and its going to be painful.

JESS: Youre not gonna kill me. Think how dull your life would be without me.

RORY: Serious question?

JESS: Okay.

RORY: You know youre smarter than most everybody at your school. It takes you like five minutes to finish a book. You read everything, you remember everything, you could ace those classes easily. Why dont you? You dont need a tutor. Its crazy that theyre talking about leaving you back.

JESS: Whatever.

RORY: You can do anything you wanted, you can be anything you wanted.

JESS: Rory.

RORY: I. . .is it like a cool thing?

JESS: I could care less about being cool.

RORY: Well, inform me, please.

JESS: Im never going to college, why waste the time in high school?

RORY: And why arent you going to college?

JESS: Please.

RORY: What? Please what why is it so crazy?

JESS: Ask my mother, she could give you a couple reasons. Oh, and Im sure Principal Mertin can chime in with a few good ones. In fact, ask your mother. She doesnt know me all that well but Im sure she could improvise a few things.

RORY: Do not give me that whole Im so misunderstood, Kurt Cobainy thing. You are way stronger than that and I dont even wanna hear it. You have to go to college.

JESS: No, you have to go to college.

RORY: But dont you have any plans?

JESS: Yes, I plan to get out of Stars Hollow.

RORY: And go where?

JESS: Wherever.

RORY: And do what?

JESS: Whatever.

RORY: Wherever, whatever.

JESS: Ill live where I live, Ill work when I need money, and Ill see where I end up.

RORY: You could do more.

JESS: Oh, here come the pompoms.

RORY: No, no pompoms, just me saying you could do more.

JESS: So, Courtney, what about you?

RORY: What about me?

JESS: What are your big ambitions?

RORY: Harvard.

JESS: And after Harvard?

RORY: Im gonna be a journalist.

JESS: Paula Zahn?

RORY: Christiane Amapour

JESS: Youre gonna be an overseas correspondent?

RORY: Yes, I am.

JESS: Youre gonna crawl around in trenches and stand on top of buildings and have bombs going off in the background and some wars raging all around you?

RORY: What, you dont think I can do it?

JESS: No, I do. Just sounds a little too .

RORY: A little what?

JESS: Just sounds a little too rough for you.

RORY: Well, its not a little too rough for me. I hope its not a little too rough for me, Ive been talking about this forever. I mean, I dont even know what I would do if .

JESS: Hey, I didnt mean to freak you out. Im sorry. Im sure youll do it. You will, I promise. Ill help you practice, okay? Tomorrow, youll stand in the middle of the street and I will drive straight at you screaming in a foreign language.

RORY: Well, youre gonna have to learn a foreign language first.

JESS: Well, its lucky Ive got me a tutor, isnt it? Okay, so I guess we should be getting back. I did promise to study if you went on this ice cream run with me.

RORY: Yes, you did.

JESS: Okay, so I just go straight and well be back at Lukes.

RORY: Good sense of direction.

JESS: Of course, I could turn right and then wed just be driving around in circles for awhile.

RORY: Turn right.

JESS: As you wish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RORY: Jess and I went for ice cream and we were just driving and it was dark and this dog or cat or possum, I dont know it was small and furry, and it ran out into the middle of the road and Jess swerved and .

LORELAI: Jess swerved?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: Jess was driving?

RORY: Yes.

LORELAI: Jess was driving your car and you got in an accident?

RORY: But Im fine and hes fine and the furry thing is fine. The cars a little messed up, but theres nothing for you to be worried about.

LORELAI: Where are you?

RORY: Im in the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LORELAI: Luke! Luke!

[Luke opens the door and Lorelai rushes into the diner]

LUKE: Hey, I was .

LORELAI: Where is he?

LUKE: Who?

LORELAI: Jess! Wheres Jess, Luke?

LUKE: I dont know, I just got back. Whats going on? I got here and they werent here.

LORELAI: Jess!

LUKE: Hey, talk to me!

[cut to the upstairs hallway]

LORELAI: Jess, answer me right now!

LUKE: Whats wrong, what happened?

LORELAI: There was an accident.

[they walk inside the apartment and Lorelai looks around for Jess]

LUKE: What - what accident?

LORELAI: Jess!

LUKE: What accident?

LORELAI: Jess was driving Rorys car and he crashed it.

LUKE: What, when?

LORELAI: What do you mean, when? Tonight, tonight he crashed it tonight! Jess, dammit!

[Lorelai walks out of the apartment]

LUKE: What happened? Is anyone hurt? Lorelai!

[Luke follows her down into the diner]

LUKE: Hey, Im talking to you here.

LORELAI: Where would he be? Where would he go?

LUKE: I asked you if anyone was hurt?

LORELAI: Uh, was anyone hurt? Well, lets see. Uh, Rorys in the emergency room now with a fractured wrist, so yeah, Id say someone was hurt.

LUKE: Rory fractured her wrist?

LORELAI: Yes, she has to wear a cast for two weeks, shes getting x-rays and tests.

LUKE: What about Jess is he hurt?

LORELAI: No, Luke Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost killed my kid tonight.

LUKE: Look, Im sure it was an accident. Accidents happen.

LORELAI: Not with my kid in the car, they dont.

LUKE: Okay, you just need to calm down.

LORELAI: Why did you do this?

LUKE: What are you talking about? Why did I do what?

LORELAI: Why did you bring him here?

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: If you hadnt brought him here, none of this wouldve happened.

LUKE: This is my fault?

LORELAI: Yes, it is your fault! You told him to come, you let him stay. Everybody hated him, everybody knew he was trouble but you wouldnt listen and you wouldnt send him home and now my daughter is in the hospital!

[Luke walks out of the diner and Lorelai follows him]

LORELAI: You kept pushing them together. You asked her to help him study, you knew shed never say no. I told you it made me nervous, I told you I didnt like it and I shouldve stopped it right there. But you thought Rory would be good for Jess, never mind what hed be for her. That wasnt important at all, was it?

LUKE: Of course it was important.

LORELAI: Why didnt you put a stop to it at the first sign of trouble? Why didnt you make him leave?

LUKE: Hes my nephew. I had an obligation to take him in, I had an obligation to care for him.

LORELAI: You had an obligation to this town and to me and to Rory. Where are you going?

LUKE: I have to find out where Jess is.

LORELAI: Well, Ill tell you where hes not hes not in the emergency room having him arm plastered up!

LUKE: Hey, I am sorry about Rory. You know I care more about her than I do myself, but at least you know where Rory is and at least you know that shes okay. Now, I have to find Jess and I have to make sure that hes okay, and if that cuts into your screaming time, well thats just too damn bad!

LORELAI: Go to hell!

LUKE: Right back at ya!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JESS: I made sure she was okay.

LUKE: I know you did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MISS PATTY: I cant believe Luke would send him off like that.

BABETTE: Well, I heard the kid wanted to go. I dont know. All I know is that Jess is gone.

MISS PATTY: Well, well, well. What will we do for entertainment around here?

BABETTE: Beats the hell outta me.